Hey guys, so if you expect me to be in a giddy giddy mood like I was in the previous post or all fired up in a negative way like in the previous post as well, don't. I'm not.

I'm feeling pretty shit right now because of some stuffs that welled up inside of me. I mean, I can't even do this anymore man what even.

I have so many things to study and it was always like this, at the end of the semester there is always something that tried to bring me down and my relationship and my mood and just everything man. I'm pretty sure all of them come from myself but that would make me pretty pissed off with myself. I was supposed to do my studies as I hoped and then chill at the end of the day but I can't. People keep insisting shit and when I tried to insist they don't even listen.

I don't even know why they won't even listen it's not like I ask them to do drugs or anything. Basically I just want a pair of ears to hear me out and listen carefully, no need to take it to the heart and I don't need the pair of lips to start speaking words that I probably don't want to hear.

For a week or even more now I probably need a time for myself, I'm very tired out. My tailbone bruise/pain (?) has not gone away and it has been two weeks since I hurt it when I was watching the soccer competitions. In addition to that, I bruised myself once more just yesterday because I was being a kid, running around kicking things, all with that emotion, and then I fell and basically I broke every single part of my body physically. I remember how when I fall in front of the car, I saw the light and I couldn't stop crying. I was basically calling for my dad. I hurt my head, my back, my right arm and both of my hands, not to mention this black-blue bruise on my leg that I don't even know how I got it from falling down backward yesterday.

I just felt it was really painful and the pain become doubled. Now that I remember I'm not the only one who suffers pain, just a few days ago I was looking at these videos of girls telling stories about their awful lives before they suicide on Youtube. I do feel sorry for them especially since they finally succeeded in killing themselves for fuck's sake. If the me today is the me from like 5-6 years ago I would probably flip shit and kill myself as well--minus the video of course.

But I don't. I have a reason to live and it is more than what is killing me inside right now. To be very honest with you, I don't know if I have any psychological or mental situations but I do have a wrecked out childhood consists of all kinds of loneliness right there so I probably am traumatised more than anyone has ever known me, not even Kim or Roro whom I shared all my thoughts and stories with. Probably, not even my mum.

I should probably be studying right now but my mind is messed up, blame hitting the back of my head about twice this week. Also, my right arm is killing me slowly as well I don't even know if I can type anymore in the close future.

I know when people stop caring about me for one reason or another, or many reasons, and I just know that they say all these sweet stuffs just to not make me worry about them not caring. I know they are busy, I know. I just can't meddle with their lives any further from that point. I felt I was humiliated inside, I have a lot of pride like my dad I know, and it will probably be the first thing that kill me.

My brain works like a kid's. I have to get whatever I want, but life doesn't work that way. If I have to talk like an economist, there is always an opportunity cost to every choice you make. So in the end, just to not irritate anyone special in my life anymore aka Rodan in this case, I will stop caring.

It is really hard because basically I care for him so much, and I want him to succeed and all. But it is really silly because I stop caring because I care for him in the first place, but that's the truth. I can't bother him much so I'll just write this for him to read during his free time :') I love Rodan and I really dislike to walk away from him when I have to, I know this is bad for me, but to be very honest when I start getting attached, I get very attached. I remember getting very pissed off when I know he was "taken" away from me one way or another, and I guess I was pretty traumatised by that. But all in all I am a very clingy, attached person to any person. Not just in Rodan's case I guess, but this has happened before with a long-distance friend of mine in USA that I have... lost again now orz but no worries.

Since I really hate it AND I will always express my feelings the moment I feel it, I guess I ruined it with Rodan. I have no reason why I was so angered if he wants to go to be honest, but I just did. He kept asking why but that irritated me because I don't know why, pfft, what kind of person does not know themselves? It might be that I'm just attached, or maybe I'm just slightly off in my head you know, I can be mental. I hit my head twice.

But then every single time this kind of things happen, the very next day I will change my principle 180 degrees. I stop caring, I'll stop getting angered, and I start being very cool about him doing whatever he wants. I don't even wish for him to miss me pfft, fuck that shit. Then I start to study very diligently God knows why. I even plan to start going to Uni every evening to study ;( I guess, after every hurtful stuffs I will always try to change myself either for the better or the worse.

I don't expect other people to change for me, that's why I try to change myself. I know it's really hard to change them, basically you can't in most situations, but since I can change myself why not?

I don't know if this is the right choice for me but if I chose it, it's probably the best for myself, hey?

So, basically, Rodan, I will try to be very cool, calm and composed about everything you tell me or everything you want to do. I will let you have your time and space if that ever exists in a relationship (I mean dude what I need space get a fucking space shuttle don't ask me). I will study for myself as well. Words are sometimes double-edged swords. If you say something to me, I'll get it back to you. I'm a kind of person who is stubborn but because of my stubbornness, I will listen to you in this case.

Study well, and I love you. I know you can do well. You only have three exams in two weeks and I have five and I still need to catch up I can't even. I may not reply your Whatsapp but, that's probably the best for you, either that or I'm probably fainting somewhere in Perth and then I will start to rot.

Simple Plan said, "You're gonna miss me when I'm gone." But will you really?


I love you.
Angee Ross Cadaverini