How's life? @ Sunday, December 16, 2012
Hm, may I say that life has had its ups and downs pretty quickly lately? It is like trying to choke happiness and then sadness and then happiness again into my life and it keeps going on and on with only one second interval between each choking. In short, life has been PMSing and I am not so sure what to think of life now.Bali, are you ready?
It started off with the good thing (right after the bad things from the exams pssh). Yes, Rodan and I did go to Bali (put your hands in the aiiiir, yooo!) and I did enjoy my holiday over there! We went for various watersports (bloody love the jetski), to the waterpark (called Waterbom), ate lots and lots of deep-fried squid, dined next to the beautiful sea at night, saw the wildlife for just a second because we were late, mixed lots of shits with vodka and had to drink them, and well yeah, lots.
Take off!
Found you, mate! Finally reunited hey?
Om nom nom! How can you resist? DAT SQUID!
Awesome tattoos, lasted for 2 weeks /sob
And we have to say goodbye :'(
I'm home, Jakarta; but I'm homesick for Perth
Well, who would have thought that coming home is a bad thing? No one, of course, until you stay there for a week or more. Bad things keep happening to me, I can't keep up with the traffic, I can't keep up with the thoughts of the people here, I can't keep up with my responsibilities, I can't keep up with having to depend on others just for trivial stuffs such as going out as well :(
This is where I am right now, still stuck in the same old situation.
Whatever I do, the outcome never goes right. People seem to disagree with me in many ways with how I live, at some point I just feel like going back to Perth right away. I kept complaining to my friends how I got really bored here and I just want to go back to Bali or Perth--either ways, the point is to go back.
I got blamed for the things that I have done, not even sure if I was completely wrong, or did any bit of being right existed then--the others didn't care, they just placed the blame on me.
And finally I snapped, thrice. Once, I was at home by myself, no one was watching me so I took an action... I did not know what had gotten me, but I took a nail clipper knowing that it could have at least scratched me. I thought then, if only I had hurt myself maybe the others would be happy. But doing this, they still think that I did not think of them... I proceeded on making marks, lots of them. But nobody noticed, and that's good.
The second time, I was pissed off at myself again, why did I say this? Why did I do that? I eventually inflicted pain to myself, I bit my hand really hard it bleed--the marks are still there until now and it has been a week :\ but then I didn't think of changing, I thought maybe the people should change instead...
The last time, Ro was here, I just didn't want him to leave for another 10 minutes--and there goes my childish side again, so I banged my head onto the nearest wall. It hurt, and I swear at the moment the pain stroke me, I thought the feeling would just fit what I've done. This one is from Tuesday, and the pain still lingers--still there when I touch the part where I hurt myself.
Two days after the last incident, I finally thought of changing. Ro kept scolding me about how I cannot go on like that. I keep thinking that no matter how broken I am, I am still beautiful (thank you Epik High) so this time I didn't resort to killing myself. I smiled, and I said to him, "Yeah, perhaps we should change." Talked a long shit about how I missed how we were then, I swore to God we were so sweet but then I told him, "Hey you know what, no matter how much fights we had put up with until now, we are still the cutest couple ever, hey?" I'm sorry for being Angee Ross Cadaverini, the person who is known for her overconfidence on things :') but I'm glad. I'm glad I am this way, I'm glad I have come this way. Since then, I haven't complained about being in Jakarta at all--in fact, I'm enjoying my last few days/weeks here, since I'll be leaving very soon enough and then I can just enjoy my life back in Perth.
And then... the results are out.
Yep, for both sides too: education and my self-improvement.
Right before the day the results are out, I changed my hair colour--the usual mark I show whenever I commence a change on myself--into bright red. :) Made promises with Rodan on that day about how we should be when we were in Perth and swore to myself I could do better than just nagging and crying. I was still scared about my results too--hence all that promises.
It was just recently when I did, not sure if Ro had noticed it but I noticed how I have been muuuch, much more patient with less complaining and crying, and more smile. Maybe the detox didn't just work on my physical health, but my mental too (fact: for so many times I thought that I had a mental disease, I'm sorry, self.) I don't know how I did that, but maybe it's the NDS effect, I have become much more ignorant to the things that surround me--just keeping in schedule with the promises I have had and never planning to change them unless the other person really had to, of course, considering all alternatives.
Yesterday, I had to go out and meet my old friend, Dennis. Promised him since a few days before that so I can't really say I can not go--even if honestly, excruciating pains hit me in the intestine or any other part of my digestive system. I kept thinking stop making incisions on my tummy, but the pain wouldn't stop--but neither would I. Apart from the overconfidence, I'm pretty popular (to myself) on how I'm persistent with the choices I have made. So with all the pain, I went out to see Dennis and eventually Rodan, on that day as well I accompanied him and even watched him play indoor football like what I am always fond of doing then back in Perth, supporting him from the side just with my eyes--without having to be all the cheerleader type because, heh, ain't nobody got time for that.
And, at the end of the day, Jo told me to check my results because apparently they're out much earlier than they should be? I was so bloody scared and impatient at the same time. The moment I typed in UWA's StudentConnect link and my ID and password, my heart was racing crazily, and even worse when I clicked the "Unit Results" on the side.
Oh god.
The Intro to Law unit I thought I had flunked? Just passed it. THANK GOD FOR THAT, furthermore, the two hardest unit I had and I wasn't confident with in the exam especially with the high weighting of the course, I had the best results. I really hoped it was not just a dream then because it was already quite late! I quickly told my mum, and I called Ro but he didn't pick up, so eventually told him to call me once he's not busy. And he did, told him about what happened.
Was so bloody happy even until now. I'm so glad my hard work paid off, also my detox perhaps? Ha, at least whatever that is that I did, paid off. I kept saying in my heart, "Thank god, thank god. Thank you, myself, for being the best." At that moment, if I had a soju/vodka next to me I would have just chugged a whole bottle down due to happiness. It went better than expected, so I guess this is the beginning of another change... to have more than "just passed" in the summer course and the last two semesters, perhaps?
Anyhow, it finished with a happy ending--at least for now.
So, what now?
Just trying to enjoy the rest of my... hm, half a month of holiday in Jakarta, I guess? Once I'm back in Perth I have to go to summer course, so it's not really a holiday anymore! Furthermore, I might start working again so it's a pain in the arse. But since I will quit my job sooner or later in the year, might as well do my best during then.
Aherm, I don't know how else should I convey this feeling to Ro, but I need to, so please excuse me. And yes, this is the end of the blog for the rest of you.
Hey, Roro sayang, I guess I'm not always the best girlfriend in the world, you know, compared to other girlfriends that existed. Might not be the kindest either since I throw daggers from my mouth through my words. Not exactly the most religious either because I don't pray that often. Most supportive... not really, sometimes I kick you out of your choices--though I did that because I think the other stuff is better for you but yeah, this is just me being stubborn. Well, I guess I am the most stubborn that you can find... Not the most beautiful either, of course, being the lady with the lumps of fats inside her especially in the thighs.At least, I want to try to be the best of the best for you :) I'm sorry for all the faults that I have done, or any that I have involved you in. I know most of them are mine though I don't know which ones I have done apart the ones I have in mind as I write this! I know we came to be in a relationship on that morning you confessed to me for many reasons, and there are even many more reasons for us to come to almost a year and four months (and of course I believe, more are coming) even with the fights and all.We were all born with flaws and born to make mistakes sometimes, and imperfect because sometimes we cannot forgive these mistakes we make. But let's try our hard to go through everything together!I know perfectly you have other stuffs, even though we won't be seeing each other for a month or two, you still want to enjoy your holiday with the others (unlike me who doesn't have "the others" because I choose not to...) ;w; so please, please enjoy it! I realise now that your happiness is mine too, your pain is mine too (your money is mine too, oh sorry, not a good time for a joke?) I'm not sure if you already can feel mine as well, but as long as we get through it together you will learn how to ;)We can even be apart with the distance of the four hours plane for months (including the time you stayed in Jakarta and I had to be back to Perth again.) So, what? We are much better than the other couple, hell, we are the cutest couple! We have made our commitments, and let's go through them together! I can forgive you for all the wrongs that you have done to me. Karma comes back around, I know, so all we both can do is just forgive each other. Let's not think bad of each other, let the past go, and let's embrace the present to walk into the future together. You know what I think, Ro? If we can do it together, we can do anything, I swear to god in heavens we are incredible! :)And I love you the most.
Angee Ross Cadaverini